Self-awareness…. that’s half the battle in overcoming sins. Many people don’t practice an examination of conscience. Instead, they live on autopilot with no self-reflection. That’s why we default to the same sins over and over again. But the real challenge —after you’ve become mindful of your default sins—is to go deeper and ask yourself why you commit those sins. Pondering them can lead you to their source.
Our Formative Years Can Set Us Up for Sin
Psychologists talk about the profound effect our childhood and upbringing have on us. Parents pour the foundation during a child’s first ten years, and the finished product often betrays the parents own experience of childhood with their parents. Acknowledging the importance of our early years, some psychologists caution against the belief that our adult lives are determined by our youth. Some neglected children build a satisfying life while some happy children grow into dissatisfied adults.
The experience of love is an important part of a child’s foundation. Childhood is a school where we learn about love. Is it offered unconditionally, or does it have to be earned? Ponder your childhood and upbringing for a moment. What’s your initial reaction to them? Do you remember yourself being a happy or sad child? Did you feel loved and affirmed, or do you remember being overlooked and ignored? How have your childhood and upbringing influenced your hopes, dreams, and desires as an adult?
And it’s not just parenting that grounds and shapes the child. Traumatic childhood experiences also leave their mark.
Ego obsessions
So, as you can see, our spiritual journey does not start with a clean slate. We carry with us a prepackaged set of values and preconceived ideas. Our upbringing with its positive and negative experiences shapes the contours of what becomes the adult ego. The late Trappist monk Thomas Keating used to say most of us either lacked or think we lacked something in childhood (facts and perception form our reality); consequently, the ego, overtime, develops one or more of the following four obsessions.
Self-concern
When one feels they weren’t loved enough as a child they can become fixated on themselves. Those preoccupied with self-concern often think they deserve better treatment. Struggles with anger and envy are two of the traditional seven deadly sins which are displayed when a self-concerned adult notices family members and friends who have more material things and are more respected. A typical verbalization may be something like “What’s in it for me?”
Self-image
An adult who was an overlooked or underappreciated child could potentially develop an inflated ego concerned about reputation and what people think. Their worst fear is looking foolish. This obsession with self-image often explodes into the sins of pride and anger. This person will pump more and more hot air into their sense of self-importance by taking personal credit for their gifts and talents and parading their accomplishments before others.
Self-gratification
Some adults think back on their childhoods and can’t remember ever being happy. They struggled to see through their thick fog of sorrow or grief. Any number of childhood experiences can spark an adult obsession with self-gratification verbalized in myriad ways: “I want to feel good.”
Self-gratification gets a bit risky when it is consistently sought. It becomes the source of three additional deadly sins: lust, gluttony, and acedia. Gluttony and various forms of compulsive behavior—be it binging on food, alcohol, shopping, gambling, or pornography—become a mirage we run towards in hopes of finding relief from unrelenting emotions that we want to avoid and so suppress. Acedia, the deadly sin of ignoring and giving up on God’s longing for a deeper relationship, appears enticing when our minimal spiritual progress discourages us, and our dull spiritual lives disappoint us.
Self-preservation
Many sins focus on this 4th ego obsession. Those who grow up with lack or poverty are often preoccupied with having enough food, money, and security. Selfishness and a self-centered spirit can develop.
Life Support for the Seven Deadly Sins
For most of us, one or more of these four ego obsessions becomes the emotional “operating system” managing our personality. The attempts to satisfy our preoccupation with self-concern, self-image, self-gratification, or self-preservation potentially achieve one of two results.
1 If the attempts are unsuccessful, we become frustrated and unhappy. We wrongly equate happiness with getting a kickback, bolstering our reputation, feeling good, or depositing more money into the bank — in other words, the satisfaction of our ego obsessions.
2 If the attempts to satisfy the ego obsession are successful, we are likely to fall into sin. Being creatures of habit who live on autopilot, we tend to choose what has worked in the past. Those choices can become the life support system for the traditional seven deadly sins.
- Pride loves to preen before the mirror of self-image.
- Anger is preoccupied with self-concern or self-image.
- Envy fixates on self-concern.
- Lust is passionate about self-gratification.
- Gluttony has an appetite for self-gratification and self-preservation.
- Greed is anxious about self-preservation.
- Acedia is infatuated with self-gratification.
That’s why we sometimes commit the same sin or sins over and over. That’s the origin of our default sins: they are our vain attempts to appease our ego obsession—and we quickly become mindful of the ego’s unquenchable thirst for satisfaction.
An Examination of Conscience
Because many people live on autopilot they sleepwalk through the present moment. They might be aware of the sins they commonly commit — their default sins — but don’t know why they commit them. A spiritual practice that helps to turn off autopilot and to foster mindful self-awareness is the examination of conscience. It is helpful for anyone burdened by the weight of recurring sins.
There are many ways to practice an examination of conscience. Reflect upon the 10 commandments and with each one, ask yourself,
- How well do I respect this commandment on a daily basis?
- When and why am I tempted to break it?
- How often have I broken it?
Another examination of conscience is based upon the beatitudes. As you read each, found in Matthew 5: 3-12, ask yourself,
- How do I witness to the beatitudes in my daily life?
- How and why does it challenge my current lifestyle?
- What thoughts, words, and deeds can strengthen my experience of these Beatitudes?
Your Spiritual Journey Includes Unmasking the Ego
Which of the four ego obsessions controls your life? Unmasking the obsession is easier said than done. They are rarely exposed in one session of an examination of conscience. The ego is highly protective of itself, easily threatened, and justifies its obsession with layer upon layer of rationalizations. You must be patient as you peel away and challenge rationalizations with brutal self-honesty and objectivity.
If you are having difficulty uncovering your ego obsession, it might be helpful to ask, “what did I lack or think I lacked in my childhood?” This often reveals the cracks in your soul that shape the ego. Because the ego smarts when exposed, you know you are getting close to naming the obsessions when your answers to the questions begin to make you squirm or cause you embarrassment.
Human nature is weak, lifelong habits are hard to break, and the spiritual journey is endless. But I’m not discouraged — actually, I am encouraged. Awareness of my ego obsessions urges me to respond yet again to God’s ardent longing and enthusiastic invitation to a deeper relationship.
Mindfulness of sin nurtures a response to this present moment, glistening with grace. It’s part of the spiritual journey.
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